The Very Secret Diary of Jayne
by Foxy Chicken
Summary: The very secret diary that Jayne kept during his time on Serenity.  How he sees the events of the show and the movie play out in his twisted mind.  Takes from the show and the movie, so there are spoilers!
1. Day 1 to 202

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

by Edme McCormic

Note: I do not own any of this! It is all by the boss, Joss.

Day One

Killed some guys. Ate some food. Good day.

Day Forty

Forgot I had this gorram thing.

Day Eighty

Marco, smelly, and me were gonna get the goods off these off worlders, but the deal went south. For them, not for me. These new guys told me that if I would work for them then they would pay me more, and I would get my own room! I can't pass up a chance like that! It's a real nice room too. Has plenty of space for all of my guns.

Pay is real good too.

Also, there is this cute lil' mechanic girl. Pretty young, but she is damn fine. Don't think she is to keen on me though.

Day Eighty-four

Went on my first job with the new boss. His name is Mal. Weird name.

Anyway, proved my worth by being intimidating and getting us the goods with little trouble.

Day One Hundred Eighty-four

I keep misplacing this gorram thing. Can't hardly ever find it.

Killed some guys. Was able to afford a whore for the first time in a long while. I love my job.

Day Two Hundred

Had a good run today. Got the goods off of a salvage, and got away from the alliance with no trouble. Pay is going to be sweet on this one.

Day Two Hundred One

Gorrammit! That bastard! What does the think he is doing having us risk our asses for the cargo he wanted, and then not giving us they pay he had promised! I was going to kill the guy, but Mal wouldn't let me. Said some gos se about who if I would have killed Badger then we would also be dead. Doesn't he know that I am better than the lot of them? Why does he doubt my awesomeness?

Cause we didn't get any coin from our little adventure, we had to take on passengers. I hate passengers. Always meddling where they don't belong. I don't like it one bit. Not at all.

Later

Stupid Mal. Making me leave the table. I didn't say nothing that warranted such treatment. Oh well, I don't like the people much anyway.

I don't know why Kaylee likes that doctor fella so much. He ain't nothing special. I'm more of a man than that doctor is.

Later Later

That ruttin' piece of gos se! Who does he think he is! Getting Kaylee all shot up like he did. Well, he might not have pulled the trigger, but his is the cause. It was his boxed up little crazy sister that caused that son of a whore to shoot poor little Kaylee.

I'm going to kill that guy.

Later Later Later

Didn't get to kill anyone. Almost got an ear from that fed fella though. Mal wanted me to scare him a bit by any means necessary. Of course I couldn't kill him. Kill joy.

Guy offered me a boat load of money to set him free, and give him the doc and the crazy chick. And by boat load I mean boat load. Like enough to buy my own ship. Not sure if I'm going to take him up on that though. As much as I hate the doc and his crazy sis, Mal isn't such a bad guy. Well, I guess I will just play it by ear.

Day Two Hundred Two

Didn't take Lawrence up on his offer. Money was good, but not as good as Mal's. Besides, what good would a ship do me?

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Thanks for reading! Please review!

Side note: Style based off of that of Cassandra Claire, but all writing is that of my own.


	2. Day 215 to 226

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

by Edme McCormic

Chapter Two

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss.

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Day Two Hundred Fifteen

Got to go to a real bar today. It was fun. Drinking, fighting, a boat load of good times. Not to mention the fact that we got a new job. I could really use some coin.

Apparently it was U-Day today. I didn't know that. Course I never know what month or day it is while we are in the black. Not that it really matters. Who really gives a pee goo about gos se like that? I sure as hell don't. Anyway, the guys at the bar got mad at Mal cause of the whole U-Day thing, and him being a browncoat and all. I didn't want to get involved, me not being on either side of the gos se war, but some bastard threw a glass at me, so I had to get involved. Can't pass up a perfectly good chance to hurt some son of a whore.

Day Two Hundred Sixteen

This new boss is a bastard. Not to mention he has terrible taste in henchmen. This guy was ugly as sin, and twice as big. Not to mention he had some ugly ass tattoo on his face. Who does gos se like that? Just plain unfashionable.

Anyway, we got to do a train job. I ain't looking forward to it neither. I have a feeling I will be doing something most unsettling.

Day Two Hundred Eighteen

If I didn't hate that son of a whore before, I sure all hell do now! He drugged me! He ruttin' drugged me!

All right, this i what went down. I had to jump from Serenity to the moving train. Did I mention the fact that it was moving? It was moving. Like going someplace! Anyway, I jumped onto this train, got down into the car, hooked up the goods, and then I got shot! A fed ruttin' shot me! So Kaylee pulls me back up, and I get the doctor to patch me up, and give me something for the pain in my leg. Well, I'm in command when Mal and Zoe are gone, so I wanted to get the goods to our man... I can't rightly remember what his name was. It starts with some letter, like an N or a M, or something like that. Doesn't matter. I want to get the goods to these guys so they don't kill us all in all sorts of unsettling ways. The gorram others don't agree with me, and won't go. I was about to hijack the ship, and take her away when I started to feel all woozy, and then I can't remember anything else until Mal and Zoe came back and I was on the stairs. Told them some story about how I was going to wait for them after they told me they were going to take the goods back. I don't get it. The first job in weeks, and they don't want to touch it. It don't make a lick of sense cause now we are down the coin, and we pissed off the psychotic boss man. I have a feeling that this will come back and kick us in the pee goo.

Day Two Hundred Twenty Five

Can't even enjoy a game around here without some sort of distraction. It is a real pain.

Was having a good time, and then suddenly some proximity alert started to sound, and we couldn't play any more. Then some gorram dead guy hit our gorram ship! You heard me right, a dead guy, just floating out in space.

I wanted to get out of there, but of course the shepherd wanted to go and check it out and see if there were any survivors. Like a killer guy like our friend Mr. Space-walk would leave any gorram survivors. Of course he also brought up the point that there might be something of value left on the boat, so I jumped all over that good samaritan bull crap train.

Didn't get to go on the first run, had to stay on the ship. That was a pile of gos se. Did get to pull a prank on our good friend the doc. Told him he was invited onto the ship, and that he had to suit up. The gullible little prick actually believed me! Actually suited up, and headed over! Looked mighty foolish too. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't even supposed to be over there. I am one sadistic son of a bitch.

Day Two Hundred Twenty Six

Got captured by gorram Alliance scum yesterday after taking all the stuff off that derelict ship. Took us onto their piece of gos se flying citadel, and actually tried to get us to say that we killed all those people. I took the high road and didn't tell them a gorram thing. Can't make me talk.

After they talked to Mal he convinced those poor hoon dan's that the guy they took off our ship was a reaver spawn, and that he was a threat. Didn't believe cap until a shit load of their guys were dead. Those yu bun duh hwoon dahn's. Ain't know that reavers are real.

Anyway, Mal saves the poor bastards life, and then they take all that shiny cargo we had collected off of that dead body infested ship. Bastards.

---

Please review, and tell me what you think. This is my ver first tv related V.S.D., and I want to know how I am doing.

More will come very soon.


	3. Day 230 to 252

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Three

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

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Day Two Hundred Thirty

Landed on Persephone again today. Not to shabby of a place, but not my favorite.

Kaylee wanted to buy some stupid frilly dress, but Mal wouldn't let her. I guess she got mad. Not really sure why. Zoe got mad too. Women, just don't understand em at all.

Badger decided to show up, and actually wanted us to work with him again. Would have just left, but being held at gun point kind of changes plans a bit. Gave us some tea and little triangle sandwiches, they were hella good. Mal wouldn't eat any, or drink his tea, so I took it upon myself to dispose of it into my belly. Wouldn't want good food to go to waist.

Anyway, something about having to move cargo off world. Didn't pay that much attention seeing as he wasn't going to use me anyway. Just wanted Mal cause he looks all proper, or some gos se like that.

Later

Played cards with Simon and shepherd while Mal and Kaylee went to that ball that I wasn't invited to.

Crazy had an 'attack' (I think she is just plain crazy, but doc don't think so) and started tearing all the labels off our goods. Doc and Shepherd had to go and deal with her, so I used her distraction to my benefit, and took some of the things that should have belonged to me to begin with. Can't blame me for taking things that are rightfully mine.

Later Later

Badger barged onto Serenity a little while ago claiming that we were to stay put while Mal got himself killed in a sword fight. Not really sure why they are using swords. Don't make a lick of sense when you think about it. So primitive, and not very effective in the quick killing perspective. Sides don't make as nice a sound as a gun does.

Zoe is looking at me. Can't let the others know that you exist, so for now you will cease and desist.

Day Two Hundred Thirty One

Came up with a rather cunning escape plan that involved a tea cup, a crate, and nudity. It was going to be exciting, heroic, and necked. I was rather proud of it, and couldn't wait for it to get underway, but Mal had to come back. Always a kill joy that one. Did do good on getting us a new job though. Something about livestock.

Day Two Hundred Thirty Two

This ain't gonna work out, not in the least! I don't work with cows, steers, deers, or anything that makes poos bigger than my face. They stink worse than I do after a long day of working up my manly muscles, and they restrict all access to the cargo bay. Not to mention they have already defiled my weight station with their, their... feces.

Later

No gorram way! I will not clean up after the gorram things! I will not shovel their droppings, and I will not feed them!

Day Two Hundred Thirty Three

Had to give in today. Mal threatened my life if I didn't start doing my duty of cleaning up after HIS cows. Don't make no sense, they are his cows, but won't do jack with them. How come I got to be his patsy?

Day Two Hundred Thirty Nine

That's it. I have passed my limit. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna throw myself out the airlock, and into the black. I will not shovel stool for one more gorram day!

Day Two Hundred Forty Two

Mal stopped me from ending my life the other day by telling me that it would only be a few more days before those cows were gone. Well, guess what, it has been a few more days, and they are still here. I'm doing it. I'm gonna end my life. I will stop this madness before I end up like moon brain.

Day Two Hundred Forty Three

I am on suicide watch twenty four hours a day now. Mal caught me with Vera in my mouth, and once again played the hero by 'rescuing me'. Now I just gotta eat, sleep, and shovel cow shit (yeah, the still make me shovel the gorram stuff that made me want to end my life in the first place) with people around. They don't trust me none anymore.

Day Two Hundred Forty Five

Today is the last day with the cows! And by last day I mean that we are so close to atmo I can taste it!

No longer will I slave away with cow crap, or think of killing myself. Those days are over, and life will finally go back to normal.

Day Two Hundred Forty Six

Cows are gone. Got to smack em around too. Mal said I don't have to hit them, but I told him that it is more fun, and guess what, it is. Not to mention that I hate those gorram beasts, and all the poop they left behind.

Oh yeah, shepherd got shot. Almost forgot about that. Thinkin' he might die on us.

Later

Dear Diary,

Today doc was pompous and his sister was crazy.

Today they were captured by hill folk never to be see again. Took all their money. It was the best day ever.

Day Two Hundred Forty Seven

Shepherd ain't dead. Alliance fixed him up real good. I don't get why the did it, but who cares. He ain't gonna die now.

Day Two Hundred Forty Eight

Mal made us go back and get the doc and his sister. I didn't wanna, but I have to do what I'm told. Got to hang out of the ship with my gun, and that was fun. Threatening people lower than myself is always a big plus. I can't wait to do it again.

Day Two Hundred Fifty

Got a new job today. Some piece of gos se town is in need of some thrilling heroics, and they can pay, so we can play.

Don't know how it is going to work yet, but Mal says he has a plan. How good a plan I don't know. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Day Two Hundred Fifty Two

I really don't know what to say about two days ago, so much happened.

First, the rescue. Ok, it really wasn't a rescue, more of a killin' spree. I love killin' sprees.

Anyway, Mal's ingenious plan had us married. Yes, his plan involved he and I pretendin' to be married. I didn't like it one bit, and didn't think it was gonna work seein' as Mal ain't pretty at all, and ain't got that womanly figure, but he said it was either him or me, and if it was gonna be me I would have to shave off Ofelia, and there was no way in hell I was gonna do that. Sides, don't like the idea of bein' in a dress one bit anyway.

So Mal and I ride off in our little pontoon buggy, and try and get those stealin' bastards to follow us. It takes us a couple tries, but we finally get them on our trail. I swear we rode past them six of seven times before they realized that we might be carryin' somethin' important.

After they were followin' us for about an hour they decided that it was time to act, so they made a big show, and splashed some water at us. Mal got mad cause they got river water on his dress, but he couldn't say nothin' cause they would know he was everythin' but a lady. Then they told us that we were to give everythin' over to them, and that I was gonna give them some time with my lady. I warned them that they wouldn't want to do that seein' as "she" was real ugly, but they didn't listen to me, and almost ended up sodomizing the captain before he popped a cap in one of their asses. After that it was on, and we took them down no problem. It was like we had caught them with their pants down, and for some of them it wasn't just a figure of speech.

Well, we was heroes of that gorram town, and they treated us as such. Had a big party with wine and beer flowin' like water, and plenty of dancing and women folk. But mostly wine and beer.

Mal got a hat made from somethin' that looked like poison ivy, and I really hoped it was, but sadly it wasn't. Then he danced with her while I got a stick that sounds like the rain. Turns out he got married to her though, so besides the sex thing I think I got the better deal. No need to commit to a stick, no matter how it sounds. Poor guy is screwed now... An' I ain't. Note to self, get a whore next stop to make up for Mal gettin' a wife while I only got a dumb ass stick.

Later

Tried to trade Mal for his wife, but he wouldn't. Vera is every big as good as whatever her name is, and she can kill thin's pretty good too. Only thin' she can't do is well, you know.

Later Later

Turns out I did get the better end of the rain stick. Mal's wife was actually some sort of companion gone astray, who wanted to turn us all into bacon, and steel our ship. Glad I didn't lose Vera over her. Sides, I got to use Vera to kill those sons of whores who were gonna kill us, and take our ship. Again my Vera proves her worth.

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New chapter coming soon! Give me some loving reviews and it will help me with my jokes! Keep R&Ring!


	4. Day 260 to 314

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Four

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

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Day Two Hundred Sixty

We haven't had a job since that one where Mal wore a dress and got married then scammed. I would be happy for work because it means coin, but I ain't happy about where it is. It's in Canton. My least favorite place in the whole 'verse. Long story short, everyone there I ever knew wants me dead, or tortured, or tortured and then dead. Ain't gonna be fun, an' I told Mal this, but he just thinks it's funny. He has one sick since of humor.

This may be my last entry, so just so you know, you were the best secret diary ever.

I hate Canton.

Later

I love Canton! Turns out I am a hero. Me, Jayne Cobb, am a bona fide folk hero! They got me a theme song, and a statue, and people give me the best booze in the house. Not to mention that I got my pick of any woman over the legal age. I think I could live here except for the fact that I still gotta worry about the magistrate of this here town tryin' to take me in and kill me, or torture me, or torture me then kill me.

Day Two Hundred Sixty One

Last night was great, from what I can remember about it anyway. Woke up with a really nice lookin' mudder girl, so it must have been good. Was gonna have some breakfast with my new lady friend, but Mal came in and told me that I had to make an appearance so they could get the goods. Not a big deal except for the hang over, and the extreme need for food.

I made my appearance on an empty stomach, and got more than I was expecting. I did my little speech, and then I met someone I wasn't expecting. Stitch. God, he is one ugly son of a bitch now. I didn't think he could be any uglier, but I was apparently wrong.

Well, I killed him good and dead, and then tried to tell those gorram mudders that there ain't people that will just give them money, there are only people like me. Strong, strapping, handsome men who just don't drop money on other people just cause. Don't think they could get it through their thick mud filled heads though.

Day Three Hundred

There hasn't been a job in over a month. There is no money, and the ship is fallin' apart. I wonder why I am even here. If I don't get coin soon I will be out of here quicker than they can say, "Don't leave us Jayne, please." I guess I could stay if they say please.

Day Three Hundred Five

Doc's birthday is tomorrow. Not gonna get him anything. I let him and his moon brain sister live on my boat with little trouble, but that don't mean I like him, cause I don't. I'm not even lookin' forward to it.

Hope Kaylee makes a cake though. She always makes a cake. Not very good seein' as she don't have the right materials, but still better than a lot of the gos se we get on here. Maybe it is good that it is the doc's birthday. Kaylee will make some good food, cake. I'm excited, and I hate to say it.

Day Three Hundred Six

It was exciting, but more so than I would have liked. Freakin' engine blew up, and almost killed Zoe. There was cake though. Not that I got to eat a piece or nothin', but I did get a taste, and that is more than I can say for anyone else.

Right after the explosion doc wanted to go grab his bag for Zoe, but goin' to his bag would have meant killin' all of us. Now as much as I don't mind him throwin' himself out of the airlock I do mind him bringin' all of us out with him. If he would have beent he only one, sure, what the hell, it ain't my problem when his blood boils out his ears. But me, hells no. I ain't goin' through that. Sides, I'm to pretty to die.

Later

Mal sent us away on the shuttles, so he can stay there and die. Not that I mind or nothin', I would rather live than stay on that gorram boat and freeze to death. Nara's shuttle smells funny though. I think she has been doin' more than just sexin' up clients here. She says that it's inscents, but I don't believe a word of that. I've seen the glaze over her eyes.

Later Later

Mal ain't dead. He lived, but he got shot up for some reason. I don't remember shootin' him, an' I'm pretty sure there was nothin' on the ship that would a done that, so I am completely in the dark. I think they are hidin' something from me. Maybe they are all usin' whatever I was smelling on Nara's shuttle. Is probably some really nasty stuff. Either that or there is a conspiracy against me, or maybe Mal. Yeah, I would put my money on Mal.

Day Three Hundred Twelve

Can't get a moment of piece before crazy starts acting up again! I ain't done nothin' to her that would cause her to act out like that. Just mindin' my own business, not hurtin' no one, and that is a first mind you, and she just comes up and knifes me like nobodies business. Unprovoked, just right across the chest all full of mallice, and the like. She got a good smack down for her trouble though. Made sure of that. Had I not been hurtin' so much I would have enjoyed it more. Always knew that girl was trouble, and now my point is proven. She is gonna get what is comin' to her, and she ain't gonna like it neither. But I am, oh how I am. Does that make me a bad person?

Later

Was enjoyin' a nice game of horseshoes when the doc comes down an' tells us that he has a way to get us some coin, and fast. Somethin' about medicine being worth a lot of coin, and us stealin' it from an alliance hospital. I think the doc is as nuts as his ruttin' sister.

Now I like showin' up the purple bellies just as much as the next guy, but alliance hospital filled with alliance security, guards, and all their allancyness. No ruttin' way this is gonna work out. Sides, gonna take to much work to get it all together. Have to get clothes, ID cards, and a hospital transport. Where in the ruttin' hell are we gonna find a alliance transport? Now I know that cap'n believes in doc's plan with all his heart (man just wants to get us all killed in the name of his war), but clothes, ID cards, a TRANSPORT! They're all crazy. Every last one of em. I'm the only one left that has half a ounce of sense left.

Day Three Hundred Thirteen

Doc's moon brain plan might actually work. Apparently dressin' yourself up like a purple belly EMT is a lot easier than I originally thought. Apparently doc already had all the connections, an' all I had to do was stand on a street corner like your everyday whore, an' get a bag of clothes thrown at me. Standin' there with all those eyes on me made me feel kind of dirty, like a dirty, dirty, fine and strappin' young man.

Had to make us some ID cards, an' it would have been a lot harder had I not had such great skill with a knife and photoshop. It is amazin' what you can do with that program. Make anyone look some kind of stupid. You should have seen the face I had put on Mal before he came up behind me, and threatened me with my life. Ain't like it was to bad neither. Just meshed his face with doc's (cause they are all chummy on this plan an' all) an' then gave him a very cunnin' mustache. Kind of looked like some sort of crazy alliance scum. Don' know why he got so mad.

Day Three Hundred Fourteen

Just saw the Tam's bounty. Something inside me clicked. The money is, well, it's amazing. It is what Lawrence offered me times ten. Well, I don't know that for sure, but it is pretty big, and by pretty I mean huge. I gotta do somethin' about this. Can't let all that money go to waist. Thinkin' I need to get on the cortex, and soon. We are gonna leave fairly soon.

Later

Just got off the phone with the purple bellies. They seemed happy to know I had made it in with the fugitives unharmed. Told em he was crazy to think that crazy was unharmed in the brain pan, but I really don't think he was listenin' to me. Oh well, they should be here pretty soon.

Oh, I think moony is wakin' up. Have to act nonchalant.

Later Later

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I got screwed. Not like whore screwed, but like screwed screwed.

Ok, this is what happened. Called the feds on crazy one and crazy two, and they showed up just like the good little feds they are. They arrested the crazy twins, and then they tired to arrest me sayin' some gos se about how I was assistin' the fugies! I would never assist the crazy family! I brought their gorram asses to the law, and still got humped.

I couldn't stand for this injustice, so I decided to fight my way to freedom. Didn't work out so good that time anyway. So we was captured, and hauled off to some detention place, an' then crazy starts talkin' all crazy an' the like. Told her to shut her yap, but she won't listen to me. Tried to get doc to shut her up, but he was so busy wettin' his pants that he wouldn't have noticed if Kaylee had strutted cross the thresh hold butt ass nekkid. Not that he would have looked anyway. I would'a, but that's jus' me.

Anyways, we got free, but it took some fightin' on both my part an' the docs. Actually surprised that the doc was willin' to kill a man for his sis. Guess the guy does actually have balls.

We got away, kind of. I stole a gun, and tired to use it on a door, but the piece of gos se wasn't even filled with bullets, or nothin'. Just some weird pulse thin' that is good for nothin'. Seein' as we were bein' chased had to try and break the door down, an' almost got shot for my efforts. Stupid Mal, ruinin' my heroic rescue.

So we got back to the ship, and Mal an' I were loadin' everythin' into the hideaway, when he suddenly smacked me upside the head! Out of nowhere, just hit me! Knocked me out cold too, then woke up in the gorram airlock. Mal was gonna throw me out the airlock! Lil' ol' me! I ain't done nothin' to cause this sort of punishment! Lucky for me he got some brains in his head before we left atmo, or I would just be a... Well, I wouldn't be a Jayne anymore. Or I would, jus' not as pretty, an' that would have been a damn shame.

Am still locked in the airlock, an' it is really startin' to suck. Ain't no food in here, an' it is jus' real boring.


	5. Day 318 to 329

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Five

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

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Three Hundred Eighteen

What in the gorram hell do they think they are doin'? I bought those apples for me, not for them! Where do they get off thinkin' that just cause there are a bunch of them that they can have some. Those greedy sons and daughters of whores! Would have said somethin' about it too, but Mal gave me a look a death when he saw what I was about ta say. Had I not been so scared a gettin' thrown out a the airlock again I woulda, but that ain't one trip I am willin' ta take right now.

Played some trivia with Zoe today. Wern't much fun seein' as I didn' get nothin' out a it. She said I should just be glad I got the recognition that I did. Told her recognition ain't what I was lookin' for, and that cashy money woulda been better, but she gave me the, 'I can kill you where you stand' look, so I shut my yap up real quick.

'Nara took a client on board today. Thought it was gonna be some fancy man who was all nice and propper. Guess what, it wern't. It was the prettiest gal I have ever seen sides 'Nara. Golden hair like the sun, eyes like, well I couldn't see her eyes seein' as I was so far away, but I can only guess that they were somethin' super fine to look at.

Anyway, seein' those two together made me all... well, ya know. An' I jus' had ta 'scuse myself for a while to my bunk. Ya know, to do Jayne stuff. Ain't gonna say more on what happened durin' that time cause you can probably figure it out for yaself, an' I couldn' find a real nice an' proper way ta say it, an that needs some pretty words to come out not so... diry.

Once 'Nara's real fine lady friend left I was gonna 'scuse myself again, but Zoe made me stay where I was. Apparently she was scared that Wash and Mal were in trouble, so we had ta go an' make sure they weren't dead. Well they might be cause they weren't on planet no more, an' the only person who would want them off planet is a little guy we know as... Well, I can't remember his name, but you know the one I am talkin' about. The lil' guy with the big thugs. Kinda balding, an' real ugly, an' a face like a toads ass. Not a very pretty fella like myself. Course not everyone can be as stunnin' as I am. Wouldn't hurt them ta try though.

Anyway, we gonna send Zoe out there after them ta try an' buy 'em back. I said leave 'em, but that didn' go over very well. What can I say? I like havin' coin on me, an' givin' it all up to some crazy capin' stealer ain't gonna make it any less annoying, an' depressing.

Later

Zoe came back with only one of 'em. Her lame ass husband. I woulda picked the capin'. Not cause Wash is a pussy, which he is, but cause I like livin', an' not being thrown out the airlock.

Anyway, pansy boy, and amazon lady are gonna go an' try an' attack the gorram space station by themselves. Two... one fighter against an amry of well trained, gun wieldin', army bozos. They ain't got a chance in hell, an' I told 'em as much. For some reason they seem determined to end their lives. Not that I really care. More cut for me if they don't make it out in one piece. Course if the capin' don't make it out a there, then there is no cut for me at all.

Awe hell, I'm gonna have to go with 'em just so they come out a there alive. This is really gonna suck.

Later Later

Capin' is safe an' sound back on the ship. His ear looks a lil' weird, but what can ya 'spect when the whole gorram ear was ripped off. Was pretty nasty too. An' ta think that I honestly wanted ta get an ear from that Lawrence fella back all those days ago. What the hell would I a done with it? There ain't nothin' ya can do with a ear. Sides, it would get all smelly, an' nasty real soon, an' I don't got enough space in my bunk to be stunk out.

Really, now that I think about it the capin' should get captured more often. It was mighty fun runnin' in there shootin' up all them guys. Took 'em by surprise that's for sure, an' was able to kill a good number of 'em dead. I led the pack of 'em in number a kills. No one can match my skills for I am all powerful! An' no, I ain't jus' sayin' that this time cause I didn't get shot, but that does help.

Day Three Hundred Twenty Nine

Mal's blushin' bride is back. I had hoped I would never see that schemin' she devil ever again, but if wishes were horses we'd all be eatin' steak.

Anyway, she has some crazy scheme to get us a big ol' box a lute, with little to no trouble. I'm all for the lute, but with her... I ain't so sure about that. Pretty sure she tried to kill us last time, an' if it wern't for Vera we woulda been dead. An' Mal is actually gonna trust her even though he knows all a this. An' I thought that moon brain an' bro were the crazy ones.

Speakin' a moon brain an the doc I had ta make sure that Mal's wife didn' see them. Somethin' about how she would jump to turn them in quicker than me. I tried ta be nice ta them, but that gorram girl said somethin' stupid about how Jayne is a girls name. Told her if she keeps up with that then I'll show her that I got man parts. Bet she would like it too.

I think moon brain might know about you. I only say that cause right after I left their room I hung around their door for a sec, and I heard the moony say somethin' that set my blood ta ice. She said, "'fraid we'll know" the only 'fraid I can think of is of ya. Hope the mind reader ain't picked up on ya, but knowin' that she can read minds makes it more or less impossible. Damn girl.

Later

I hate my life. I hate crazy. I hate doc. I hate Mal. I hate Yosaffbridge. I hate Vera. Ok, I don't hate Vera, I could never hate Vera. She has always been a good girl to me. But I do hate all those others.

I hate my life, got friggin' electrocuted! Like not a little bit electrocuted, but like a lot electrocuted, like I should be dead electrocuted. I guess I really should hate Kaylee for this, but she is just so adorable that I could never hate her. Just wish she had better taste in fellas. I am two hundred times more of a man than that doc fella.

I hate crazy, she jus' plain freaks me out. There ain't nothin' I like about that girl. Well, besides the way she walks, an' how she looked comin' out a that box. Damn. But she's crazy, an' can apparently kill me with her brain. Usually wouldn' believe that, but the girl is off her rocker, an' weird stuff was done to her brain, so it is a possibility that she ain't blowin' smoke.

I hate doc, this one is a given. Doc an' I are black an' white, night an' day, semi truck an' opossum. We just cancel each other out. Prick.

I hate Mal, guy freakin' brought that hussy wifey of his back on our boat, and caused all sorts of trouble. His bringin' that hussy is the main reason why I got all electrocuted an' less pretty. But he did good on gettin' that laser gun. That should bring in some good coin. Ok, so I don't hate him as much as some of the others.

I hate Yosaffbridge, main reason why I got all hurtified, in trouble with the doc, an' got all threatened by the crazy one. Had she not been around we woulda had none of these problems. Course it was her ideas, so I could give her that credit, but I won't. She don't deserve it. Sides, she tried to double cross us again. Ain't no one can do that again, an' get away with it.

But I guess it ain't so bad seein' as now she is trapped in a trash can in the middle of a desert. Damn, payback is a bitch. Glad no one has it out for me.

---

Leave me some love people. I know you are reading this, so why no comments? It hurts my feelings. Make me feel good about myself, and my writing gets better.

Thought I would go away from the good grammar for these last couple of chapters. Wanted to get into Jayne's mind, and what better way than to start writing like he would. I think my computer thinks I am an idiot though. There are so many red squiggly lines!

Thanks for reading! I hope to get more up soon as people start leaving me reviews. Not motivated when there are no reviews. Creative juices stop flowing. They are my life force.


	6. Day 332 to 345

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Six

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

---

Day Three Hundred Thirty Two

Got ta go ta a space station taday. It was more or less entertaining. Woulda been more fun if Mal would let me go an' have a good time stead of always havin' ta go off an' get the supplies. Ain't fair in the least. Crazy got an ice planet, Kaylee and the doc got to go off an' look at aliens, Zoe an' Wash did married people thin's, and Mal an' 'Nara... Well, they would do married people thin's if they could both get their heads out of their asses. Awe well, 'Nara's to good for a scumbag like Mal. Needs someone with class. Someone like me.

I got mail! My ma sent me the most cunnin' hat I have ever seen. It's all lovin'ly made, an' just plain handsome. Ain't no one got a hat like my hat!

Mal an' Zoe got some mail too. Theirs wasn't nearly as cool as mine. They got a dead guy. Yep, a dead guy. All wrapped up all nice an' pretty in a coffin in a pine box. Didn' smell none either. It was kinda werid.

Anyway, we had ta take their dead guy back with us cause the mail man didn' want him stayin' round. Guess he is scared a' dead people. Ain't nothin' scary about them though. They is just dead. Well, apparently this dead guy was an ol' friend a Mal and Zoe from back durin' that war. Guess he got in with the space mob or somethin'. I really don' care much seein' as there ain't nothin' in it for me sides trouble. It is bad 'nough that we took him on board, but we now gotta go out a our way to take him home. What good is it gonna do him to be home when he is dead? Not like he can see his family or nothin' while his is all corpse-a-fied and dead. Oh well, can't do nothin' about it. Maybe his family will give us some coin for goin' out a our way to bring their dead kid back. Mal won't take their money, but that don't mean that I won't.

Maybe havin' this dead kid around is actually good for somethin'.

Shepherd an' I were talkin' in the bay a bit ago when crazy decided to show up. Normally wouldn't pay her any mind, but she started actin' crazier than normal. Started off all innocent and the like, doin' that cute little walk that she does that makes it take forever for her to get anywhere. Anyway, she walked over to that dead guys coffin, and just decided to climb up on it, and take a nap! Freakin' screwed up in the head she is!

Later

Gorrammit! Dead kid ain't dead!

Here is what happened. We was gonna cut into him ta get all the gold out a his insides cause the feds were chasin' after us, an' wanting dead kid back. Mal didn't want ta do that, so he made the doc cut up his friend after we tore the box to shreds. Well, doc couldn't do much cuttin' cause as soon as he did dead kid woke up, an' I was forced to collect his vomit. It weren't a pretty sight, an' I never want to relive that as long as I live. Jus' ain't right for a grown man to catch a nekkids mans upchuck. Somethin' sly about it, an' I ain't sly. 'Sides, I think doc was laughin' at me as soon as it happened. Doc is sick like that.

Turns out that dead kid is not smugglin' gold, but organs. He has some lab grown insides in his insides, and he was takin' 'em to their rightful owner when he pulled a me, and decided to find a better deal. Dead kid is a dead kid after my own heart. So shifty, so deceiving. I guess he ain't half as bad as I thought before. Only real bad thin' now is that the feds are still after him, an' there is only so much runnin' we can do. I told Mal we needed to invest in some guns on Serenity, but he just kept tellin' me that we wouldn't need 'em. Guess he never saw his old war buddy bein' shipped to 'em, and the feds chasin' after us. Bet that woulda changed his mind real quick.

Day Three Hundred Thirty Three

Dead kid is dead now. Got killed or real last night. It was kinda sad for all of like four seconds till I realized that I didn' even know the kid, or really care about him. Mal, Zoe, an' Kaylee seemed pretty upset though, so they made me feel like a prick when we delivered his body back to his folks. I wasn' even gonna go, but Mal and Zoe gave me the death look, an forced me to pay respects to their dead friend. Ain't fair. I wouldn't make them pay respect to my dead friends, not that I have any friends...

Day Three Hundred Forty

WHORES! We're gonna go see whore! I don't think I have ever been this excited ever! And the best part! FREE WHORES! Yep, you heard me right, free whore, like not havin' ta pay for them at all! Somethin' about savin' them from some son of a bitch or another, and gettin' our pay in trade. Whore trade! It makes me all Jayneish inside to just think about it. I think I'll be in my bunk doing... Jayne things.

Day Three Hundred Forty One

Got to the whores yesterday, an' got all set up for the imposing attack. I a course got my fair share of trade in with a real nice girl, if ya know what I mean. An' she can handle my guns anytime she wants. Real nice.

Gorrammit it, that gorram son of a whore is comin', and there is gonna be some imminent violence.

Later

Mal's whore is dead, an' no I ain't talkin' bout 'Nara neither. The main whore chick a this whore house who Mal totally slept with last night.

Anyway, she got shot full a lil' laser holes, an' died up real quick. 'Nara was sad, but I don't think she was as sad as Mal was. Maybe she was sadder than Mal... I really don't know, an' I really don't care. Whore is dead, an' I had to get all dressed up to go to a whore funeral. It was kinda depressing though, but only cause my own whore was all sad an' the like. Her pretty face shouldn't be pained with such sadness. It ain't good for her. Makes her look all old, and withery like an' old peach or somethin'. Not pretty at all, an' not sexy at all neither.

Oh yeah, almost forgot about the big battle. It was grand. Some other whores got shot up too, but they ain't my whore, so I really don't give a rats ass.

Anyway, the guy we was tryin' ta kill was on a gorram hovercraft with a gunner on it! FYI that ain't a bucket a fun in any way shape or form. It actually sucks quite a bit. But I am awesome, an' was able to kill him good an' dead in one shot. I am good for somethin'! My lil' whore is good for somethin' too seein' as she supplied me with fresh guns as mine went dry. Done a real good job at it, an' look so cute too. Gorrammit, I am gonna miss her awful terrible. Oh well, there are plenty a whores out there in the black for me. Jus' kinda liked that one a lot more than some a the others.

Wait a minute.

I don't get it, not in the least! Crazy don't know what she is talking about. Oh, I will enlighten you.

I was just sittin' here in the common room writin' away like I do when I get five minutes of alone time, an' then lil' miss crazy comes walkin' through the room. She don't look at me, an' I don't look at her. Then, jus' as she is about to leave she turns ta me an' says, "No ya didn'." Well, she didn' say it like tha', but tha' is who I am goona leave it.

Anyway, I asked her, "What ya mean, moonbrain?", an' all she would say is, "Lecherous womanizer can never find what is missing from him if he doesn't know where to look. Besides, mind plays tricks when one is not paying attention to what it is trying to say."

Actually what came out of her moonbrained mouth too. No 'dea what she is talkin' about, but don't bother me none. Long as she stay way from me, an' we go back to the 'ya leave me be, an' I leave ya be,' I will be one happy Jayne.

Day Three Hundred Forty Four

I HAVE A FRIEND! It is rather excitin'. Never thought I would have one of those. But it is a rather strange friendship with our resident preacher man, shepherd Book. Of all the people on board to be friends with I never thought it would be him. Him bein' all priestly, an' me being a... heathen an all. Oh well, nice to have someone not judge me for once. Can't talk about all the things I would want to talk about, but oh well. Sides, no on really wants to hear that stuff anyway. Sides me I mean.

Anyway, we were havin' a nice friendly chat about priesthood, and all that gos se when lil' crazy came in. I hardly noticed her for she was jus' in for a second, but what happened after that was a might terrifying. Crazy left us, an' went into the cargo bay where she found a gun. One a my guns. How the gorram hell it got out a my room an' into the cargo bay is beyond me, but lil crazy had it, an was wavin' it round like nobodies business. Lucky for us Mal was able to get it from her before she blew someones brains out. Would hate to see one a my crew dead as a doornail, an' specially myself.

What are we gonna do about this girl? She is real troublesome.

Later

'Parently someone knew that crazy weren't as helpless as she seems. 'Parently Kaylee has been keepin' from us just how dangerous lil' moonbrain actually is. Seems that when Mal an' Wash got themselves all captured by the toads ass, lil crazy chick kicked some crazy ass, and saved Kaylee's ruttin' life an' our ship. Guess I should be glad for that, bu' she could have told us about it sooner. Don't do any of us any good if no one tells us that lil crazy can go psycho an' kill all of us with her mind, or a gun.

Not a big fan a the crew right now. Wash thought he would be all smart, an' tried to trick me inta thinkin' that moonhead was a witch and that she was in congress. I could believe the whole witch thin', but congress. Why would someone runnin' from the alliance be part of congress? Don't make no since.

Day Three Hundred Forty Five

Gorrammit! I miss out on all the fun! 'Parently there was a bounty hunter on board last night, an' I missed the whole gorram thin'!

I guess he snuck on board last night, and ran rampage all over the boat. Threatinin' to rape poor lil' sweet as sugar Kaylee, beat up my best friend the shepherd, doin' what everyone has wanted to do an' beat up Mal, an' made Simon walk around with him till they found moony. Guy was gonna turn in lil' moonhead for the bounty that could have been ours! My money! Don't matter, cause they all put him away, an' without ma help. I guess I am obsolete. No longer needed. Won't be long before they send me on a walk out the airlock. It is a sad day comin'.

What will I do when I don't got no money for ma whores?

---

All right people. That was the end of Objects in Space. You all know what that means... No more until I start doing the movie! Yeah, I decided that I needed to do more, and that I was going to tackle Serenity. I hope to draw it out over a couple of chapters, but I guess we will have to wait and see.

Tell me what you guys think of this! Hope you all like it!


	7. Day 379 to 482

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Seven

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

---

Day Three Hundred Seventy Nine

Job went south again today. Was supposed to be an easy in an' out, but like all the easy in an' outs, it got mighty complicated real soon. It's like the fates got it out for us. Not wantin' us to get any coin at all. Man can't live like this forever.

Anyway, started out all nice an' simple. Went into town, was supposed ta get the money an' go, but some sons a bitches came an' ruined our plans. Mal, bein' the pansy ass he is, decided that we should give up the coin, an' go from there. Didn' work out so well, an' I ended up gettin' all kinds of shot up, an' stabbed. I got freakin' stabbed! An' that even the worst of it! After I got all shot up an' stabbed, Mal made us all take a nice lil swim in the sewer. THE SEWER! Wouldn' a been so bad if we woulda got the gorram coin, but we didn't, so it made it suck all the more.

Not to mention that we got all kinds a bad ass peasants after our blood for tryin' ta take their money. Don't matter to them that we didn' have it. They wanted blood an' apparently ours was good enough as any. I would have ta disagree on that one though. Ours is all dirty an' full a sewer sludge, not nearly as good as the blood those thievin' thieves that took all that coin. Gorrammit! If I ever see those bastards again I will gut ever last one of them!

Besides out lil swim in the sewer we had ta take off ta meet Serenity for our daring escape. Must say it was jus' as wet as the sewer, but thankfully not filled with thin's that should never see the light a day again, or a human for that matter. But I guess it don't really matter cause we are back on Serenity, an' off for our next daring adventure. Hope this one has coin attached to it. I don' work for free, not ever.

Day Three Eighty Sixty

Landed today, an' the day looked bright and shiny. A course whenever it seems to good ta be true it probably is, an' guess what, I was right. Ruttin' Badger shows up with his lackeys tryin' to force us inta some job. That wasn't fun, but what happened after that kinda was. Got to threaten him around a bit, an' almost got to cut him up. I have been lookin' forward to that ever since I met the guy, but Mal wouldn't let me. Jus' had to stand there with Berth (that's the name of my most favorite knife), an' look all threatenin'. It's nice ta be threatenin', but actually bein' physical is six hundred times more fun. Physical in violence terms, not that other way.

Anyways, we are takin' up Badger's job. The coin is jus' to good. 'Course I don't think this is about the coin, I think it is about all them dead Browncoats. Oh yeah, Badger said somethin' about how this treasure we are goin' after was some sort of somethin' the Browncoats an' the Alliance were fightin' over. More than jus' the whole thing whole independence thin' that is. An' I have a feelin' that Mal would rather go an' refight all his ol' battles than let me get paid, an' laid. Mans got it out for me, I know it.

Oh well, coin is good, an' as long as we get it done we won't have to work for a while. Life will be good again.

Day Three Hundred Ninty Four

Gorrammit. War is hell, hella fun, but this, this don't look so enjoyable.

That treasure Badger told us about is in some floatin' battlefield. Don' remember what it's called, but it ain't important. The only thing important is the fact that we gotta on all in there with all them dead bodies, an' pull out whatever it is that we are gonna need. This is gonna suck more than a five credit whore.

Well, I gotta suit up, and face the music. The very dead music.

Later

Everythin' I thought I knew about the 'verse is a lie. Can't tell no more when a person is dead, an' when they are alive. This is the second time it has happened to me in less than a year, an it is getting' real old real quick. People that are dead should stay dead!

I say this cause that guy Mal killed way back when we first brought crazy an' the doc on was apparently not as dead as we thought. I know this cause we jus' killed him again. He was hidin' in our wreckage where our treasure was supposed ta be. Got smart this time though, and didn't decide that I wanted an ear, I jus' wanted him dead. Got my wish too, cause now he is sleepin' with the fishes... Not that there are any fish in outer space. Ya know what I mean.

Oh yeah, there weren't no treasure. No treasure, no nothin'. Jus' some guy who can hold a grudge, an wanted Mal dead. As much as I admire that, it won't put food in my stomach or a whore in my bed. I'm really startin' to hate this gorram ship.

Day Four Hundred Eight

'Nara is leavin' us for good this time. No more dancin' around it, she is finally gonna do it. Took her long 'nough. I was 'sectin' her to leave ages ago.

Mal's real upset about it, but he won't say nothin' to the fact. Damn man is to proud, an' his head is to far up his ass. Dumb ass is what he is. If a pretty lady like that wanted me in her life as much as 'Nara wants Mal, then I would jump at the chance to get in her pants. Stuff like that jus' don't happen, an' now... Well, who cares, it don' have to do with me.

Will miss her though. She was so damn pretty to look at.

Day Four Hundred Ten

Shepherd came ta talk ta me today. He is gonna pull a 'Nara an' leave us too.

Says he's been thinkin' on it a long time, an' now jus' seemed right. Don't blame him. Ship ain't no place for a preacher man, even one as well versed in the 'verse like he is.

Leaves me one friend down. My only friend, gone. Oh well, could be worse. Naw, guess not.

Day Four Hundred Twelve

Dropped shepherd off today at some place called Haven. Don't seem to nice a place though. It's all gray an' brown, an' all dusty. Ain't a nice place at all if ya ask me. Shepherd tol' me it ain't about how it looks, but about what ya can do there. Guess he is plainnin' on doin' some good to all of those people. Look pretty good if ya ask me.

Kaylee cried a bit, Zoe an' Mal were stone faced, Wash said a few jokes, an' crazy, well, let's jus' say she was jus' as crazy as always. An' me. Well, I mighta lost my only friend, but that don't mean nothin'.

Boat feels kinda empty without shepherd an' 'Nara. Awe well, they wasn't crew anyhow. Thin's are almost back to normal now. Jus' gotta get rid a doc an' moonbrain, an' thin's will be shiny once again. Get rid a them, an' pick up that reward. Wouldn't have ta work ever 'gain. That would be shiny. With money like that I could have a different whore for every day a the year.

I'll be in my bunk.

Day Four Hundred Thirty

Gorramit, why do all our jobs have ta go south. Don' know what it is, bu' never seems ta play out in our favor. It was jus' supposed ta be a simple job, bu' no, ain't never that easy. Got chased off, an' had ta go run an' hide on Haven.

Nice ta see the shepherd again. An' the people he's got with him ain't to shabby either, an' not to bada cooks 'neither. Real food. Gorram, how I have missed it. Tastes so much better than that gos se we got back on the ship. Thinkin' I'm gonna take some with us when we leave. Maybe get Kaylee ta make me a cake. I could do with some cake.

Day Four Hundred Fifty Seven

Had a job, don' wanna talk about it. Jus' gonna say I ain't gonna be able ta sit down for about a week or so.

Day Four Hundred Eighty Two

Ain't nothin' ta do. No job, no coin, no whores. Life is gettin' pretty borin' on this here ship. Tried ta get a game a cards goin' with the doc an' Wash, bu' Wash don' got no poker face, an' doc is jus' to easy ta take money from, so it weren't no fun.

Somethin' interestin' needs ta happen, an' soon.

---

As you all have noticed, this wasn't the movie, it was actually to comic, and some stuff I created. I didn't want to just jump from having Inara and Book there all the time, to them being gone, so I thought I would add in their leaving, and then some to connect the space between that and the movie. Hope you all didn't mind, and liked it. Tell me what you think. I love all of your reviews, they really make my day. I even love it more when you tell me what you think about each chapter, it makes me all happy inside.

The next chapter will be the movie. I promise you. Hell, if you guys keep writing it I might just add more on after that, but someone would have to help me come up with things to talk about. So any authors out there who have stories that they would like added into Jayne's Very Secret Diary then I will add some, and then tell what story it is from, and who authored it. It could be fun!


	8. Day 500 to 511

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Eight

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

---

Day Five Hundred

Ain't had a job in weeks, an' then Fanty an' Mingo gave us a call. Never liked those guys very much. Somethin' about the way I can never tell who is who. Mal says that Fanty is prettier, but I ain't seen a difference in 'em. Also they don't give off a very pleasantness about them. Might be the hair. Yeah, it is most definitely the hair. Those waves of long beautiful... Really creepafying.

Anyway, it has to do with goin' off an' breakin' into a bank safe, an' stealin' all the money the alliance pays the private firms. Or somethin' like that. All I know is that I gotta go an' shot some people up. I'm excited now. I haven't had a real 'cuse to kill a guy in a long time, an' I was runnin' out a all my good made up ones.

Gotta go, we gonna be planet side any second now, an' I still gotta get all my guns together. Don' wanna go in there empty handed.

Later

Gorram bar! Can't even get into a bar these days without havin' ta drop ya gun at the door. Woulda snuck ma gun on ma person, but they got some high tech gizmo that checks fer ya guns, so it is a might impossible ta get on down ta the floor. Must say that I felt mighty nikked goin' down there unarmed. It was like I left ma pants on Serenity or somethin'.

Anyway, seein' those guys again made it all the more clearer why I don't like em in the least. Give off a nasty vibe a... nastyness. Finish each others sentences, talk like the gorram moonbrain, an' that gorram hair. Jus' somethin' about it gives me the willies all over. An' no, it ain't cause I am insecure about my own growin' older, an' the fact that I might loose all a' my own hair. An' no, that ain't why I have been growin' it out neither. I ain't that vain, or whatever it is.

One second. Someone is at the door.

Damn moonbrain! Readin' minds an' the like! Don' wanna talk about it. Makes me feel all sad inside, what she said. Huts ma pride all shameful.

Day Five Hundred Three

Goin' planet side soon! Can't wait! Love havin' a job under my belt. Makes me fell all... well, manful I guess.

Slightly Later

We're all gonna die. Not like for fake, but for real. This is it. It's crash and burn time. Gonna have some slight turbulence, an' then explode. Those ain't my words neither. Those are straight from the mouth a the capin'. If I'd a said it, it woulda been more like... well, I don' know, but it woulda been real nice an' artistic like. Maybe, "Strap in your pee-goos, we're gonna have a bumpy ride and then die." Let them pick out their own death. Explodin' always leaves such a nasty image in your head, let em think a something less painful, and scalding.

Later

Didn' go so well. Nope, not well at all.

Actually I didn't start that right. Let me try again.

MY GORRAM LEG! THEY SHOT MY RUTTIN' GORRAM LEG! THOSE PICE A GOS SE HWOON DAHNS! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Deal was goin' great, was gettin' the money, people were causin' little ta no trouble, and then it happened. Crazy started havin' an attack, an' it turns out that gorram reavers were comin'! Ran an' told Mal, an' then we got the fuck outta there.

As goin' all right till the gorram reavers started chasin' us. Not kiddin', it was the single scariest moment a my life. Thought I was gonna die, or Mal was gonna shot me.

Oh yeah, was tryin' ta get my clips outta the rear hatch, when I was harpooned. The gorram reavers harpooned my gorram leg! Gotta say that getting' shot is one thin', but getting harpooned is another. Don' know if you have ever been harpooned, but it ain't as glamorous as it seems. First a all it hurts like a mother, second, it hurts like a fuckin' mother. Right through my gorram leg, an' pulled me right from the gorram mule. Had I been a lesser man I wouldn't a been able ta grab on ta the rear railin', an' I would be dead now. Thank the fluffy lord that I am as much a man as I am. No good beein' reaver food.

Anyway, I tol' Mal ta shoot me if they took me, but I coulda sworn he was gonna shoot me first. Luckily for me he got some gorram since, an' he freed me. Still had the gorram harpoon in ma leg, but I wasn't bein' dragged around no more, an' that's all that really matters... Well, not really, but it is better than bein' reaver food, and some gorram reavers clothes. I would make a very sportin' coat though... Never mind... Don' wanna think 'bout it.

Day Five Hundred Five

Leg is feelin' a lot better. Doc gave me some really killer meds, an' I ain't been able ta feel my leg in days. Kinda makes me happy too. Like all the world is mine. Course I see little fairies all over the ship, but that is hardly somethin' new. Been seein' fairies since I was brought on board all that long time ago. Think Wash is the second biggest fairy behind the doc, then maybe Mal.

Oh yeah, doc an' his magic meds are gonna be gone once we make our drop with Fanty an' Mingo. Ain't sad in the least ta see them gone. Only thin' I am gonna miss is whatever he's got me on right now. Must say that it's like magic. Really nasty tastin', feel good, hallucinatin', magic. Might have ta take me some a it before they are gone, don' think I can do without it from now on. Bu' no, I ain't addicted, I need it for ma pain! I got harpooned! I deserve this!

Day Five Hundred Seven

Don' get it, not at all! They was getting' off, but they are back on board! An' after what crazy did, I am shocked that Mal had the gall ta bring 'em back!

Let me 'splain it ta ya. We was talkin' with Fanty an' Mingo, an' they were tryin' ta pull some gos se about how they are now getting' a higher cut than they deserve, an' that we need ta pay up. Mal wern't gonna have any a that, an' for once I almost respected him. Almost is the key part a that right there.

Anyway, thin's were gettin' pretty ugly on our end, an' then crazy came down, and jus' started beatin' the crap outa all the poor bastards there. Girl can kick some ass when she wants ta, an' it was pretty funny watchin' her take out all these guys. Would liked ta watch for longer, but Mal made me go an' grab her, an' try ta calm her down. Don' know why he made me. I don' even like the girl, an' it weren't like she was botherin' us neither. But I had ta go along with what the capin' wanted, an' try an' get the girl ta stop bein' up all the poor bastards in the bar. Got a good hold on her too in the beginnin', but then... Well, we ain't gonna talk about that. No need ta relive that. Let's jus' say that she put me ta shame. This is the second time in to few days that she done that too. I ain't likin' this in the least.

Ya would think that after she went around killin' people, an' beatin' me up she wouldn't be 'loud back on our boat, but NO, Mal brought her back! Brought her back after she showed her true colors! She ain't jus' crazy, she is also dangerous. Don' know what sent her off, but she could do that again on our boat, an' go kill everyone. I thought she was bad after she cut me up, but this jus' takes the cake.

Later

'Parently she was set off by the Fruity Oaty Bar. Yeah, ya heard me right. The fruity oaty bar made her go a-wall. Don' know why though. I always liked the Fruity Oaty Bar. Never seemed very dangerous, always kinda nice an' harmless. Guess lil' crazy girl don't like 'em very much. Doc an' Mal say somethin' 'bout subliminal messages, bu' I jus' think she's got it out for that poor lil' snack. I've never known a fruity oaty bar ta hurt no one before.

Awe well, we're gonna go to Haven now, an' I can't wait ta see the shepherd again. Nice ta have someone ta talk to who thinks a me as a real man. Not these pompous wind bags that look down on me.

Well, we are landin' tomorrow, so I better call it a night.

Day Five Hundred Eight

SHEPHERD! My best friend in the whole wide world! Great ta see him again! Such good times, such good times.

Oh yeah, there was some other people there who I rather enjoy spendin' time with, but not like my shepherd.

He had ta go talk ta Mal though, an' so he didn't get to spend as much time with me... Stupid Mal. But I did spend that time playin' the guitar for everyone. I'm really rather good. Shocked my own self, I did. Think Kaylee liked it. Liked it a lil' more than she should have, her makin' those eyes at the doc all the time. Think she woulda sexed me too if I'd a asked her... Maybe I should play the guitar more often. Wouldn't have ta pay for a whore if I did. Next time we go planet side on a planet with some class I am pickin' up a guitar!

Day Five Hundred Ten

Had ta leave Haven. I'm sad now. I love that gorram place so much. My best friend lives there, an' all those people that look up ta me. Not like those loonies in Canton, but real people, with real brains, an' not just mud in their heads.

Oh well. I guess I will just have ta wait until next time we stop after bein' chased by the feds or whatever.

Gonna go save 'Nara now. Got a call this mornin' from her, an' apparently there is some sorta trap, an Mal is just gonna walk right on into it. Knew that man was crazy as the moonbrain. Told him not ta cause it was a trap, but the gorram man won't listen ta me. Says he has ta, an' some gos se about how he would do it for any of us. I highly doubt that cause if it was me he would just tell me it was my own gorram fault, an' leave me ta fend for myself. It ain't ruttin' fair. Course I wouldn't want that hangin' over my head for the rest a my life. I think I would rather die.

Day Five Hundred Eleven

Got knocked out today, it wasn't fun.

Long story short, wanted ta do bad thin's ta crazy, and it came back ta bite me in the ass, or head, which is actually where she hit me with the can a tomato paste.

I really should stop gettin' mad at the crazy bitch cause it always ends up with me gettin' hurt, an' I don't like that to much.

Anyway, apparently we are headed off ta Miranda. Has somethin' ta do with why crazy is all crazy. Who knows. I really don't give a rats ass, but Mal is all gung-ho about it. Woulda protested more, but we get ta go ta Haven again, so I ain't gonna complain. Maybe this time I will get ta spend more time with the shepherd!

---

Thank all of you who have come this far with me. I really appreciate the support you guys have shown towards me, and my silly little story, that isn't so little anymore.

If you have left me comments I love you, if you have alerted me I love you, if you have alerted me without commenting me I still love you, but slightly less. If you just read it, I like you. Love comments, they make my day, and make me want to write more.

Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you back here for the next two chapters!


	9. Day 514 to 515

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Nine

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

---

Day Five Hundred Fourteen

I really don' know what to say. I have never felt this way before, I'm sad. I'm genuinely sad. Actually I'm crushed, genuinely crushed. I think my heart just exploded in a ball of fire, and then turned to ice, and then the pieces ripped the only soft part a my soul to shreds, and then took a big ol' shit all over the whole bloody mess.

I woulda cried, I woulda cried, an' cried, an' cried, but Mal was there, an' so was everyone else, so I had ta keep my tough face on for them. I was cryin' on the inside though.

Oh, I should probably tell you why I am so upset... Book, shepherd Book, the only guy who was ever my friend on all a' Serenity, is dead. He's croaked, kicked the bucket, gone into the great blue yonder, dead. An' it's all our fault! Gorram crazy an' doc! Gorram Mal, an' all those other bastards who helped in Books death!

I can't take it any more! I can't go on! I'm gonna do it! I have no other choice! There are no other doors open for me! I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna cry!

Later

Mal's lost it. I know I have said it like a million times before, but this time I really mean it. He wants to dress our boat up like gorram reaver ship! Dead bodies, torn up hull, red paint, an' everythin'! Don' wanna do it, but don' wanna get shot up neither.

All those poor people gettin' tied to our hull so we can later get killed by reavers. It ain't right, it ain't right at all. An' he's gonna put shepherd on there! Our shepherd! My shepherd! On our gorram look-a-like reaver boat! Again, I woulda said somethin' but the whole not gettin' shot full a holes and left to rot, or also bein' tied to the hull ain't my idea of a good time.

Zoe said I ain't got nothin' ta worry about when it comes ta bein' tied ta the hull cause no one would want to lift my dead weight up there anyway. It was kind of reassurin', but not really. Still don't wanna be dead no matter where I'm laid to rest.

Mal is comin' so I gotta look like I'm workin' on his gorram crazy idea.

Later Later

HOLY FREAKIN' SHIT! I think I pissed myself I am so gorram scared! Reavers, a sky full a reavers, and we are part of it!

Woulda run to my bunk to hide, but had to appear manful towards the womenfolk. Besides, Wash, Zoe, and the capin' would never have let me live it down. I can live with some shame... Ok, I can't, but I sure as gorram hell can't live with that kind of cowardice hung all over my gorram head. No way in hell.

Course lil' Kaylee was scareder than me, so I guess that is good...

Picked up their gorram reaver channels while we was travelin' through their space, and most of it was really rather scarifying, but one of their channels, swear to my fluffy lord, was a gorram reaver cookin' channel! Had some reaver hwoon dahn playin' chef over some meaty corps of what must have once been a man. It was mortifyin' an' creepafyin'! Tried ta get Mal to turn the gorram thin' off, but he was real enthralled in it that I don' even think he could hear me! Hope he doesn't get any gorram ideas. That is the last thin' I need. I don't wanna be part of any gorram soup or pasta dish!

Day Five Hundred Fifteen

Miranda sucks. It ain't a tourist spot at all. Ain't no sights but dead bodies as far as the eye can see, an' everythin' is all run down and gos se like that. There ain't no sellin' points, so it ain't a wonder why people don't come here no more, or even know about it. I really wish I didn't. It ain't a pretty sight.

What they need ta do is have someone come down here an' clean up all the dead bodies that are lyin' around, and make this plant a sight seein' resort. Either that or a themed amusement park. It could be somethin' like a ghost town, an' they could sell themed trinkets an' gos se like that. It could be worth a fortune!

As soon as we get off this gorram rock I am gonna find someone with coin ta blow, and we are gonna make this theme park a success! I will be able to leave this life a crime behind me, an' make the big bucks. Whores will call out ta me by name... Ok, they already do that, but they will do it even more.

Well, we gotta go find some gorram beacon or some luh-suh like that. Hope the beacon is worth some coin cause so far this little excursion ain't been with jack, and I need some coin. Ain't had a proper whore in weeks, and I need... Jayne things.

Later

Good goin' alliance! Jus' give the gorram man one more reason ta hate ya. Ain't like he got enough already without ya givin' him handouts!

Hwoon dahns! Can't do anythin' right!

All right, I'll tell ya what is makin' me so pissy, an' Mal even more so.

We went all over the gorram dead planet lookin' for that gorram pulse beacon, an' we finally found it in some run down piece a gos se ship. Turns out it was a last log from some scientist who were doin' some sort a gos se on Miranda with the air. Runnin' some sort a test ta try and weed out aggression, an it worked out to well. People just let themselves die. Course those hwoon dahns also created the gorram reavers! Gorram purple bellies can't even think about how their little experiment might go astray, an' people might have the opposite reaction. Ain't these people know nothin'? Hell, I coulda even seen that one comin'. I ain't stupid!

Well, we gotta go see Mr. Universe now. Somethin' about tellin' the rest of the gorram universe about what we have seen here on Miranda. Gonna post that gorram transmission to all the planets we can. Alliance ain't gonna like this one bit.

Awe hell, it is gonna be some sorta fun though!

---

Sorry about the short chapter, and the fact that it took me so long to write that little bit. It was really hard for me to find really anything funny about that part of the movie. It was just so depressing that forcing jokes seemed wrong, but really that was the only thing I could do. Oh well, I have one more chapter to try and bring it back up again before I am done.

For those of you cough Myth87 cough who have stuck around and reviewed every chapter, I love you! I love seeing those reviews in my e-mail, and they make my day! And for all of you who read this without reviewing I love you too, but not nearly as much as the others. Of course you probably don't care about that, you only care about the story... Oh well, I have a lot of work to do to get this next and final chapter up.

Thanks again for reading, and please review!


	10. Day 516 to 540

The Very Secret Diary of Jayne

By Edme McCormic

Chapter Ten

Note: Again, I do not own any of it. Joss is boss, but my jokes are mine.

---

Day Five Hundred Sixteen

An' I thought goin' through reaver space was bad the first time! This time we apparently had a gorram death wish! Now, I understood the plan, an' in theory it seems all right, but you put that gorram plan inta motion, an' ya soon realize just how gorram stupid it is!

Let me enlighten you as ta what the ingenious plan was. We were gonna head back outta reaver space, no big deal right? I mean we did it all right the first time. Anyway, we were gonna go back outta reaver space in the direction a Mr. Universe, an' all that gos se. Well, Mal has some idea in his head that it will be dangerous, an' Alliance filled over there, so we need ta take some protection, no big deal right? Apparently so! Mal wanted the gorram reavers ta come with us! He is just as crazy as crazy!

Told him straight up that it weren't gonna work, an' that we are all gonna die, but he convinced me we would be ok. All right, he didn't, he just said that if I don't listen ta him then I am gonna get spaced. Told him it would be better than a reaver attack, so the gorram psycho actually took me down to the cargo bay towards the airlock! Told him I changed my mind, and that I would die later when the gorram reavers got us. Don't think he liked that very much, but he had ta go an' get part two of our some number part plan inta motion.

Ya wanna know what it is? Killin' a gorram reaver boat! Wants ta kill some gorram reavers, so they will chase us, an' then attack the alliance ships that are in Mr. Universe's atmo. There is something wrong with that plan. Like the part where there might not be any gorram alliance in his atmo! What happens when all a us get there and the reavers land, kill Universe, an' then kill us! Mal is puttin' a lot a faith inta that yu bun duh of an operative.

I don't think the gorram guy is that smart, but whatever. I mean yeah, he killed all our friends, found 'Nara, an' has made our lives a livin' hell, but seein' past that. I highly doubt it.

I guess we will just have ta wait an' see.

Later

All right. The guy ain't as stupid as I thought. He found Mr. Universe, an' had a gos se load a ships waitin' in atmo for us.

I guess I am glad Mal is outta his mind, an' blew up that gorram reaver boat cause it ended up savin' our gorram asses, an' mine is just to nice ta die.

Anyway, crash landing weren't fun at all, an' I think I bruised by butt. Now that we are down for good, broke the gorram ship, I guess we really got no choice but ta get this gorram thing done. I don't think this is gonna work out very well.

Day Five Hundred Seventeen

Guess who was right! Guess who was ruttin' right! Me, I was right! The gorram thing didn't turn out well, didn't turn out well at all, an' guess who called it! Could have gone worse though, more people coulda died. Got pretty banged up, but only one person kicked it.

So here is how it went. We crash landed right into Mr. Universe's complex, thing, and then we found out that Wash had gotten killed. Poor guy, he was always funny even if he was always makin' fun a me.

Anyway, we went round this gorram complex, and found an elevator that could get Mal down to Mr. Universe and send off that message. Well, the rest of us had ta stay behind ta make sure the gorram reavers didn't get Mal. Wouldn't be a big deal except that it was just that only Zoe an' me know how to use guns, an' the others were mostly worthless. Cept for crazy, but she went all innocent on us, an' weren't no good for most of the battle.

Wound Count:

Zoe-Knife wound

Me-Shot... twice

Kaylee-Shot full a drugs

Doc-Shot only once, damn

'Nara-None

Moonbrain-Crazy, but nothin' new there

Well, we were gonna all get laid out, but crazy saved us. Hate ta say it, but damn that girl can fight. Saved all our gorram asses from getting' et. Course that wasn't how it looked when she left. Look like she was gonna get killed, was kinda happy bout that for a minute, not gonna lie.

Anyway, she jumped outa that hole, and after that I don't know what happened, but when that gorram lock opened up, how did that happen anyway..., we saw crazy holdin' some of the reavers weapons, and standin' there over a pile a dead reavers. Gorram girl killed ever last one of em with their own gorram weapons! Pretty amazin' if you ask me... Course I would never say that out loud.

I don't know why this keeps happenin' but we got more dead bodies on our boat again. For some reason we had to take Mr. Universe with us, and we still have shepherd's body, and a course that weird pilot guys. It is ruttin' unsettling if ya ask me. All these people all corpse-a-fied and nasty. It ain't any good for the smell of the ship neither. Smells like... well, like dead guys.

Day Five Hundred Twenty

Got to Haven today and Mal made me go out there in the hot sun and dig graves for all of our 'friends'. Didn't want to do any besides shepherd seein' as he was the only one of my friends, but Mal don't see my logic, and made me do all of em. Took all ruttin' day too! Then I had ta lug the headstones we had picked up all the way from the ship to the grave site, and that took all of for ruttin' forever. Wouldn't even let me use the gorram mule! Told me it would mean more to our friends if I did it all manual like... He still has it out for me even after all of this time. Why won't he find someone new to torture? Why me?

After I got all of the graves dug, and the headstones in place it was time for the ruttin' funeral. It was all weepy from the womenfolk, well, all except for Zoe who kept her face of stone. Wouldn't even cry for her dead husband. Oh well, it ain't my problem.

Got ta smoke one a my good cigars for the occasion though, so it wasn't a complete loss.

Day Five Hundred Forty

Finally got the gorram boat up and runnin' again. That yu bun duh operative helped us get back in the air, but that don't mean we like him anymore. I think Mal likes him even less after that. Not sure why, but I guess Mal don't like gettin' help from people who tried to kill him. I'm just glad we can get off this gorram rock, an' get flyin' again. We have overstayed our welcome, an' I am itchin' ta get back out in the black.

Well, it is about take off time. Hope Mal can fly this thing.

---

There you go my readers. The final chapter of 'The Very Secret Diary of Jayne'. Hope you all liked it. I know it is a bit short, but there is only so much I can write about.

Also I am sorry it took so long for me to get this chapter out, but I have been distracted. Guess it really don't matter to make excuses. Besides, it is out now.

Hope you all review it, and hope to see you on my next story. I think I am going to do Mal next. Or maybe I will stick with the order and do River... I better make up my mind soon.


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